MINNEAPOLIS, MN—We at The Babylon Bee try to keep you posted on the latest deals, sales, and offers from your favorite stores.
Today, we've got a great deal alert for you: all the Targets in the greater Minneapolis area are planning a big "everything is free" sale in celebration of the end of the Derek Chauvin trial. Held several times a year, the sale is a greatly anticipated event among residents, with many holding off on their largest purchases until the start of the promotion.
If the promotion proves successful, the store may expand the promotion to Target locations across the country. Stores in urban areas are much more likely to hold the sale, according to a spokesperson for the retail establishment.
"Look out for our exciting 'everything is free' sale coming soon to your area!" said the PR rep nervously. "Just come in and do some shopping, browse around, throw some bricks. It's a real event around here. A local custom, you might say."
"Also, please don't hurt me, I'm on your side. Justice!"
Financial advisers say this is a great chance to get some fantastic deals and also that it's the only time your wife will be able to leave a Target while spending less than $100.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
