MONTPELIER, VT—In an address from one of his homes, Bernie Sanders condemned BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors for getting rich off politics and buying four homes.
After it came out that the co-founder of the movement had purchased multiple large homes, Sanders quickly held a press conference condemning her "callous and unfair profiteering."
"No one in politics should be able to profit off their followers and buy four homes," Sanders said as he looked out at the quaint Vermont lake near one of his many, many houses. "Four homes? That's ridiculous. Who needs four homes!? No one, that's who. Three homes, now, fine, you might have an argument. I could see needing a home near your office, a home in your hometown, and maybe a quiet retreat up in the mountains. Near a lake perhaps. That makes sense. Any politician could use three houses. You're practically still poor at that point."
"But four? People who own four homes are the problem with this country."
Sanders then said he was proposing legislation that anyone who owns four homes be banished to Toledo, Ohio for the rest of their days, while people who own just three homes have statues erected in their honor for their brave fight against capitalism and injustice.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."