WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden has a lot of ambitious, Marxist goals for government, such as installing full Communism and making Christianity illegal, but he faces one problem: His plans are against the Constitution, because they’re evil and wrong.
Congressional Democrats have a plan, though: pack the court full of illiterate justices who can’t read the Constitution and thus won’t be influenced by it.
“We want to add four justices,” explained Representative Jerry Nadler, a sponsor of the bill to add justices to the Supreme Court. “We hope that will be enough to counteract those who actually pay attention to the Constitution. But we’re going to be extra careful this time, because sometimes even the liberal justices will say, ‘The Constitution doesn’t allow that,' and we’ll be like, ‘Why did you even read that thing?!’ With these new justices, that could never happen.”
According to the bill, any new justices will have to completely fail a reading test to qualify for the bench. They will also need to pass a questionnaire making sure they have progressive values. Questions are along the lines of, “Do you like free stuff?” and, “If you’re really sure you think you know better than someone else, should you be able to force them to do whatever you want?”
Republicans are vehemently opposed to this bill. “This is just wrong,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “You can’t add illiterate justices to the Supreme Court. How could these justices relate to the average American if they haven’t read the latest Marmaduke?” Cruz thought about it some. “I guess they could still get some enjoyment out of the pictures.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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