WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to growing requests from his base, Biden has issued an executive order to form a commission on whether we should throw out the Constitution or not.
"Look folks, here's the deal, Jack-- for real this time. No more messin' around. Are we really even using the Constitution anymore anyways?" he said in a statement. "Maybe we can just get rid of the old thing! Maybe we can recycle it! Green! But we... we... anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah- they told me to sign this fancy executive thingy, so I am."
The commission will be bipartisan-- equally divided between people who think the Constitution is really awesome, and people who are sworn to destroy America and all of Western Civilization if it's the last thing they ever do.
AOC has criticized the commission as a "needless distraction" from the important mission of destroying the Constitution and is calling for it to be destroyed immediately so we can get it all over with.
Kamala Harris also commented on the new commission, saying: "HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The commission is expected to release a 32 billion page report detailing all their findings after the President passes on in the next year or so.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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