WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats have recently proposed the controversial idea of tearing the Constitution to pieces in the name of correcting the Constitution. By severing key components from the document they hope to repair the damage caused by Republicans.
“Some people will say we're tearing the Constitution. We're not tearing. We're untearing,” explained US Representative Jerold Nadler as he ripped the Constitution apart. “Senator McConnell and the Republicans were the ones who tore it up over the last couple of years. The only way to untear it is to tear it, which will then retroactively repair it from the tearing of the Republicans. Wait, hang on. I might have that backward. Well, you get the idea."
Jerry Nadler and Nancy Pelosi then proceeded to rip large chunks from the founding document. “There that fixes it!” Pelosi said as she tore out the 2nd amendment entirely. “Now it’s been untorn from how Republicans have sliced it to pieces by making it say things it never was intended to say.”
"There can be no justification for what they did. How can Americans look at the Constitution and expect it to do equal justice when it has been so severely politically shredded?" added Nadler tossing the Constitution through a woodchipper.
When Nadler and Pelosi were finished untearing the Constitution there was barely anything left. All that remained were two single scraps reading "War" and "Welfare."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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