HEAVEN—As part of an ongoing restoration project in heaven, the streets of gold in the place of eternal peace with God are soon to be replaced with Dogecoin.
Construction machines began moving throughout the heavenly city, tearing up the old streets of gold and paving the highways of heaven with freshly minted coins featuring the lovable Doge meme character. Citizens of heaven will now be able to walk around and feel the gentle caress of Dogecoin under their feet, being eternally comforted by his adorable smile.
"Once we saw Dogecoin rocketing to the moon, we knew we'd have to replace the old, less valuable gold with this new, more valuable cryptocurrency," said Michael the Archangel, who has been put in charge of the upgrades. "Gold is out -- Dogecoin is hot! Buy, buy, buy!"
Previously, heaven had announced the streets would be paved with Bitcoin, but as Dogecoin is the new hot commodity, plans were revised to include the popular meme currency.
Many converted to Christianity upon the announcement. "Dogecoin all the way to heaven? I'm there," said Elon Musk as he accepted Christ into his heart.
The streets in hell will of course be paved with American currency, as hell is pretty big and there are plenty of new U.S. dollars being printed every day.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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