GEONOSIS—Earlier today, Emperor Palpatine, may he live forever, announced a new 1-trillion-credit infrastructure proposal. People across the galaxy rejoiced, thinking they would get new roads, hyperspace routes, and maglev trains, but apparently, the only thing credits will go to is the creation of the Death Star.
"This planet-killing weapon is infrastructure," he said to reporters at a press conference on the bridge of a Star Destroyer orbiting Geonosis. "It's absolutely vital to our galactic civilization. We must invest in our crumbling infrastructure if we want to restore the standing of the Republic on the galactic stage."
"Build back better!" he added before cackling like a maniac and murdering all the members of the press with his laser hands.
Palpatine's infrastructure proposal comes on the heels of a 2-trillion-credit stimulus bill signed into law last week. While many citizens were hopeful they would get a credit transfer as a result of the stimulus bill, instead, almost all of it went to firearm training for Stormtroopers, who are said to now be crack shots and "the most precise troopers in the galaxy."
The bill was not expected to pass the Senate, but Palpatine was able to bypass this roadblock by declaring "I am the Senate!"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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