WASHINGTON, D.C.—During an interview Tuesday, Dr. Anthony Fauci called the Bill of Rights in our Constitution a "public health crisis."
Along with climate change, racial injustice, and student loans, the Bill of Rights should be declared a "public health emergency," Fauci said in his comments on an interview with CNN.
"This Bill of rights is a disaster for public health," Fauci said. "People can go where they like, say what they like, and gather to worship how they like. The Constitution doesn't even say anything about a virus. It's very dangerous, very anti-science. The pandemic was a good testing ground for us to figure out how to handle public health crises such as this contagious document. So now we know how to take down something deadly and viral like the Constitution."
"I hereby call on our leaders to help us stop the public health crisis known as the 'Bill of Rights.'"
Fauci then called for Americans' rights to be locked down for the next two decades to "slow the spread" of liberty.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."