MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Local woman Chloe Larson heard that there were protests going on in the name of racial justice. She wasn't really interested, though, until she heard that protesters were looting a local Target. Larson immediately jumped up and shouted "For George Floyd!" as she grabbed her bag and headed out the door.
Baffled sources confirmed that she still somehow managed to spend $250.
"I'm not sure this lady knows how looting works," said one Target employee. "Just out of habit, she came up to our last self-checkout machine that hadn't been smashed in and looted yet and happily spent $250 on her Target card. I tried to tell her everything was free today, but she didn't seem to hear. She said something about getting points on her Target app."
She also stopped at the in-store Starbucks and looted a Frappuccino, somehow spending $6.
Larson then stopped to loot a Hobby Lobby on the way home and managed to spend over $1,000, sources had confirmed at publishing time.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."