DECATUR, AL—Meow Mix has always gone by the slogan, “The brand cats ask for by name.” And it does seem like cats are always crying for Meow Mix, as cats can often be heard wailing, “Meow!” late into the night. But a new scientific study has shown that the Meow Mix slogan is in fact false advertising, as the cats were never asking specifically for Meow Mix but were simply making a standard cat noise.
“I began to notice something was awry when I realized cats never said the full name of the product,” said Scientist Trevor Peterson. “They only said the first part -- ‘Meow’ -- but never the ‘Mix’ part that went after it.” This led Peterson to conduct a decade-long study on cats, communication, and eating habits. The results, just published Monday, show that cats say ‘Meow’ even when their preferred food is Purina, Friskies, or Fancy Feast.
“‘Meow’ just seems to be a sound that all cats make,” said Peterson, explaining the conclusion of the report. “One they make all the time -- sometimes for no discernable reason.”
After the report was published, Meow Mix was immediately hit with a class-action lawsuit for its false advertising. The headquarters for Meow Mix was found empty, though, as everyone who worked there apparently fled with their ill-gotten gains obtained by tricking consumers.
The scandal has caused further scrutiny of other aspects of Meow Mix, such as whether cats were actually singing the Meow Mix theme, or if that was done with some sort of audio trickery.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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