Police shootings are a major problem in this country. We know this because everyone says so. Why can't police just stop using their guns? We'll tell you why: because they haven't heard about these 7 much better options, that's why!
If you're a cop, here are 7 non-lethal techniques you need to start using immediately:
Show them a series of Jordan Peterson clips on your phone: Within 2-3 hours of viewing, the criminal suspect will be ready to take personal responsibility and find the meaning in life!
Squirt gun filled with pee: Right in the mouth. Works every time.
Bring Joe Biden with you: Biden is widely feared in the criminal underworld ever since his courageous showdown with Cornpop. One look at Biden and the criminal will surrender.
Try a Three Stooges finger-jab: Moe famously used this ancient technique to non-lethally neutralize Larry. Follow it up with a cheek slap and a nose pinch if the suspect continues to resist.
Call a compassionate social worker: Within 30-45 minutes, a professional will arrive with a clipboard to question the suspect about their relationship with their father. While you wait for the social worker to arrive, be sure to distract the suspect with the pee squirt gun.
Declare a thumb war: best 2 out of three wins! The loser has to drop their weapon. Foolproof!
Walk back to the police car, drive away, and get a job in sales: This is probably your safest option.
See how easy it is? Now go out there and make a safer world!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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