US — Following Derek Chauvin’s guilty verdict on all 3 counts, riots have been called off across the country. Some freedom fighters have been frustrated by this as they had their eyes on some specific merchandise they wanted to liberate.
“I mean it’s good we got the verdict we wanted, I guess, but now I can’t loot — I mean liberate, that big screen TV tonight!” complained justice advocate Larry Smith. “Oh well, I guess I’ll have to wait until the next outrage.”
Others like Larry complained that they got dressed for this and stood outside Target for hours for nothing. “I just feel kinda stupid now, I waited outside the store shouting all day and I didn’t even get to break anything or pick up some AirPods… for justice of course.” said mostly peaceful protestor Doug Flandel.
“It’s just frustrating to put so much effort into buying pallets of bricks, and filling milkshakes with cement that you never get to throw.” added others. “And to make matters worse I have to go to work tomorrow because the city isn’t shut down.”
When asked what’s next Larry Smith replied, “Well, I guess we’ll just go throw soup cans at some cops until they launch tear gas unprovoked. Maybe that video will spark rioting and looting."
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"You look at Ghandi — he probably fasted at some point," Pritzker told reporters, as he unbuttoned his coat and reluctantly picked up his fifth piece of deep dish. "So I thought, Why don't I do that, except the opposite, and for a different cause of justice? President Trump, believe you me — I will never stop eating one entire extra large deep dish meat lovers pizza a day until you cease your tyrannical abuses of power and change your ways."
I like this idea
"What… what is this madness?" asked Fox News White House correspondent Peter Doocy. "I should go get myself checked out by a doctor. I must be hallucinating. I had some type of waking dream today where I was in the White House briefing room, and there was this blonde woman there. And… and I asked her a question… and she just… answered. She just answered the question. There is no way it was real, right? That does not happen, does it?"
https://babylonbee.com/news/white-house-reporters-mystified-by-press-secretary-who-answers-questions
"This is welcome news to all fatties, chubbos, and roundies everywhere," said Lyft marketing spokesperson Janine Granger. "We want to do whatever we need to do to provide reliable service to customers of all sizes — even total lardbutts. So now, when Tubby Bigbottom over there needs to get to the airport, he can just open up the AirLyft app and request a helicopter to come haul him away."
https://babylonbee.com/news/airlyft-now-available-for-plus-sized-customers