U.S.—With the U.S. economy headed towards another recession and the government borrowing and spending money by the trillions, many Americans are concerned about their financial futures. In light of this, experts are saying the best way you can protect your family's future is to invent a time machine and buy Bitcoin.
"Yeah, you're pretty much out of options at this point," said Brad Chadarad, a financial advisor for Northwestern Mutual. "Government spending will probably devalue the dollar and cause it to collapse before you retire. The best advice I can offer you is to figure out how to go back in time and buy Bitcoin."
In addition to buying Bitcoin back in 2009, experts are also recommending:
Being a best-selling author
Becoming a #1 NBA draft pick
Going to Harvard and joining the elite ruling class
looting
selling your old beanie babies
starting an OnlyFans
"So, there's still lots of things you can do," said Chadarad. "I'm pretty sure that if you invested a dollar in Bitcoin ten years ago, you would have, like, infinite money at retirement. That's pretty tough to beat."
Ron Paul has proposed an alternate idea where we build a time machine and go back in time to end the Federal Reserve instead.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."