NEW YORK, NY—CNN's Brian Stelter has introduced a brand new segment of his show where he will discuss all the horrible things Trump would have tweeted if he hadn't been kicked off of Twitter.
"As Americans, it's important for us to remember just how bad, how mean, how divorced from the facts, how, how, how much of a stinky poopoo head Mr. Trump really was," said Stelter. "We hope this new segment covering Trump's hypothetical tweets will help viewers remember how we literally saved democracy by electing Biden in a completely fair, not rigged election."
Some of the hypothetical Trump tweets discussed on the first show will include gems like:
"The very sad loser 'president' Biden says he cured the virus. But that was all me! Very low ratings! Pathetic!"
"Many fine people including our African Americans and the LATINO community have received the vaccine. YOUR WELCOME! ENJOY!"
"The whole world is laughing at us thanks to Sleepy Joe and Cacklin' Kamala. Why does that woman laugh at everything? Unstable? Maybe, and MANY are saying that! Including China!!!!"
"Biden and the looney liberals are a total disgrace. GET SMART AMERICA!"
"Failing CNN and all the other 'FAKE NEWS' could use a lesson or maybe several lessons from OAN. They are very kind to me. Real journalism!"
"Biden doesn't seem to care about all the illegals like he said? Too bad!!! Should have listened to the experts, Joe! (me)"
"These heinous tweets are a reminder of Trump's fascism," wept Stelter to the camera after ranting about each tweet for twenty minutes. "Tomorrow, we will show you worse tweets than this!"
Trump responded to the new CNN segment, saying: "So sad!! Little Stelter at CNN can't get along without me. Want me back Brian? 2024?"
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
KIEV, UKRAINE—As Russian troops increased their threat to Ukraine’s sovereignty and independence, the Ukrainian military showed their tactical prowess by asking Kyle Rittenhouse to come and guard their border with Russia.
“Yo, Kyle, hope all is well. Hey listen, our citizens are under threat from Putin and his d-bag army,” texted Ukrainian Minister of Defense, Sergei Ukrainovich to America’s national hero, Kyle Rittenhouse. “Could u do us a solid and come guard our border? Bring ur AR-15 lol thx.”
While some praised the move as militarily brilliant as well as based, citing the fact that no military has the capacity to withstand the freedom-spewing courage of Mr. Rittenhouse, U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin criticized the move, citing Kyle Rittenhouse’s status as a cis-white male, and reminding everyone that guarding Ukraine would require him to CROSS STATE LINES.
“President Biden is weighing the deployment of troops to Ukraine,” said Secretary Austin, ...
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