MINNEAPOLIS, MN—BLM organizers celebrated the verdict of the Chauvin trial this week. In a touching and healing gesture, they have offered to rebuild the wreckage of Minneapolis and return all looted items back to their owners.
"We did what we came to do," said one BLM organizer. "Now we have achieved perfect justice and our work here is completed. We are looking forward to being a part of reconciliation and healing moving forward."
For the next several years, organizers will be donating their time to repair broken windows, restore torched cars, and return costly loot back to their rightful owners.
"It's the least we can do," said another organizer. "We are so thankful for the American justice system that gave the defendant due process and rightfully convicted him as guilty. What a great country we live in!"
The country is expected to now join in unity and hold hands in gratefulness-- at least until the latest outrage is broadcast on the evening news.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."