U.S.—Democrats have stood firm on their core values for many decades, from being for diversity and racial justice and killing as many babies as possible. But they're finally changing their tune after unborn babies started wielding knives in a threatening manner, calling the babies "precious little innocents" and demanding that nobody kill them, even though they looked pretty dangerous on an ultrasound.
Unborn babies got the idea to wield the knives after many liberals defended the actions of a girl who recently tried to stab another girl and was shot by police. So far, the unborn say, nearly 100% of liberals have changed their mind on abortion and rallied to their cause.
"Stop killing our babies!" chanted one protester outside a Planned Parenthood. "This precious little life holding a knife is clearly an innocent bystander and should not be killed. We used to think these were just clumps of cells, but once we saw the ultrasound and the baby tried to stab us, we realized they were actually lives worth defending. No one should take the life of one of our knife-wielding babies."
At publishing time, LeBron James had tweeted a picture of an abortion doctor with the ominous caption "YOU'RE NEXT."
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."