THESSALONICA—Christians in the ancient city of Thessalonica are rejoicing at the slightly delayed arrival of Paul’s third letter to them, stamped for delivery via USPS First Class Mail almost two millennia ago.
The epistle comes at a crucial time, as Christians worldwide are experiencing persecution ranging from kidnapping and murder in Sub-Saharan Africa to abhorrent atrocities known today as “being kicked from social media platforms.”
“This delayed delivery turned out to be a blessing,” remarked local Christian Icarus Constantinides while examining the fragments of the epistle that had not already disintegrated into a fine dust. “Had it arrived in the decades after Paul’s death, the church at Thessalonica would have never received it; surviving the rampant torture and murder exacted on them made post office visits a low priority."
At publishing time, postal workers were hard at work trying to figure out what to do with the numerous bins full of delayed Trump ballots.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."