SACRAMENTO, CA—There wasn't a dry eye in the press room at the governor's office today, as Gavin Newsom bravely announced he was transgender just after Caitlyn Jenner declared a gubernatorial run.
The move is seen by many as an attempt to one-up Jenner with another level of intersectionality and eliminate Newsom's disadvantage as a straight white male running in California.
"You think that Jenner character is so great because of the whole transgender thing?" Newsom said. "Well, have I got news for you."
Newsom then pulled out a blonde wig and a set of makeup and solemnly donned his new persona.
"I am now Gabby Newsom, and my pronouns are 'stunning' and 'brave'," Newsom said proudly as reporters applauded. "I can't hide it any longer."
"Caitlyn's not the only one who can play this game!"
Commentators say they weren't really surprised, since anyone that uses that much hair gel has to be a little sus. "Yeah, we saw this coming," said one reporter for the Sacramento Bee. "And, like, dining at a place called the 'French Laundry' was a bit of a tip-off too."
Newsom is to be featured on the cover of Vanity Fair next month.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."