We here at The Babylon Bee are marriage experts. Being considerate and helping your wife around the house is key to a healthy marriage-- and it doesn't even have to be hard work! We drew from decades of combined marriage experience to compile a list of easy ways to help your wife out.
1. Rinse a dish and leave it near the sink: Your lady will swoon when she sees how considerate you are! For bonus points, place the dish in the sink so she can easily put it in the dishwasher later.
2. Place excess trash in an organized pile near the trash can until she takes it out: Little things to make her life easier go such a long way!
3. Avoid the toilet seat debate by peeing in the sink: Lifehack!
4. Never shower so she'll have fewer towels to fold: Also, if you never wear socks, you'll never get in trouble for not throwing them in the hamper.
5. Helpfully gather all the dirty clothes and passive-aggressively place them in front of the washer: Whatever you do, DON'T actually put them in the washer. You'll probably do it wrong.
6. Leave her helpful instructions on sticky notes around the house so she'll know how to do things properly: You can add little hearts and "XOXOXO" for extra romance.
7. Say helpful phrases like "My mom didn't do it that way" when she's cleaning: Wives love to learn new things from their mothers-in-law. What a great way to pass down helpful knowledge!
8. Send her pictures of the messes around the house while she's away so she can mentally prepare for the tasks ahead of her: This selfless act will help her stay mentally organized. It's the least you can do.
9. Start the lawnmower for her: Use your big man strength to start the mower so she has more energy to mow the lawn. If you really want to drive her crazy, roll up your sleeves so she sees your big arms while you crank the engine.
10. Pick up your feet while playing Xbox so she can vacuum under them: Invest in your marriage and do it without being asked!
11. Place all the sandwich ingredients together on the counter to cut down on her lunch-making time: For extra helpfulness, leave another sticky note to help her make it correctly.
12. Have many children so they can help around the house: And if you're a Mormon, you can also take a second wife to help your first wife with the chores!
There you have it! Now go and invest in your marriage!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—AFT President Randi Weingarten spoke out today to clarify that the teachers union official “pro-choice” stance only applies to killing babies, not to parents being able to decide where their children attend school.
The controversy stemmed from a poorly-worded email intended to bolster support for abortion rights among the union’s Democrat base. The email stated, “The right to choose for oneself is a fundamental right of American citizens.” Some union members grew concerned, thinking the choice being referenced was the right of parents to select what school their children attend.
The union issued a swift apology this morning. “To be clear, we were only talking about a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn child,” Weingarten said. “Once a child is born, we firmly believe that no parent, man or woman, has any right whatsoever to decide where a child attends school.”
Weingarten went on to note that, “in fact, other than abortion and selecting ...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Earlier this week, President Biden was spotted at Home Depot using color swatches to help him choose the next Supreme Court justice.
"Hmmm... should I go with the 'Neutral Tans' or the 'Balmy Browns' Collection?" Biden said to himself.
"Everything is riding on this!"
Store employees report the president was looking through the color swatches for hours, only stopping to eat ice cream. Secret Service agents blocked off the aisle and refused to let other customers shop for their home projects.
Biden reportedly asked an employee for help but the white man was too afraid to risk being accidentally racist.
Home Depot Associate Jake Stone said of his encounter, "He was trying to ask what the best shade of black is for total submissiveness to his progressive executive agenda. At first, I thought he was going to repaint the Oval Office. I told him black wouldn't be great for a room."
"No, for people!" Biden allegedly yelled. "Black people! Come on, man!"
The president ...
BURBANK, CA—Trans woman Amy Schneider's winning streak on Jeopardy has ended. Despite holding the record for Jeopardy’s highest-earning female contestant ever, Schneider was defeated after being confounded by the clue, ‘this gender has two X chromosomes.'
“I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw the category of ‘Grade School Biology’,” said Schneider. “I avoided the category until the very end, as basic biology has never been my strong suit.”
Many in the audience saw the disaster coming a mile ahead. “What was Amy thinking betting so much in Final Jeopardy under that category?” said Daniele Dacus, a fan of Amy’s. “You never bet that high on such a complicated, theoretical subject, where so little of that field is understood.”
Sources claim that the host even gave a clue that ‘this is one of 2 genders’, but Amy still did not get the question correct. Amy started to answer the question by writing, “What is different and unique to each person based upon...
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