PORTLAND, OR—In a startling press conference this week, Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler announced he will be cracking down on Antifa rioters before things get out of hand and they start doing some real damage.
"This Antifa group is starting to worry me," said Wheeler while standing in front of the smoldering remains of downtown Portland. "I think it's time to start arresting these people before they take to the streets and start damaging property and terrorizing people. If we don't do something soon, it might get ugly."
Reporters pressed Wheeler to explain why he had taken the side of the fascists, considering Antifa means "anti-fascist" which means anyone who opposes them is a fascist.
"Yes, this is a disturbing thought," replied Wheeler. "It bothers me to consider that I may be a fascist now. I think the answer is to oppose Antifa with our cherished progressive values like love, tolerance, and diversity. And gulags."
Wheeler has asked Biden to send in National Guard troops as well, but his request was denied since Antifa is just an idea.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
