SAN FRANSISCO, CA—Locals are applauding after the unveiling of a brand new stained glass window at Gender Justice Cathedral, a local Episcopal church. The elaborate new window depicts Dr. Anthony Fauci, the new patron saint of virus protection, vaccinations, and all science.
"We are proud to show this gorgeous new masterpiece to the world," said Bishop Txm Castrx at the unveiling ceremony. "We hope you can all come next Sunday for our vaccination celebration event and bask in the warm light of its glory."
The upcoming event will feature a traditional indigenous moon alignment dance and a 30-minute hot yoga session before "vaccine communion" is distributed to women and people of color. The faithful will then be allowed to kiss a sacred relic: a face mask that was actually worn by Fauci himself.
"We are excited about this event, but we ask that white men please refrain from attending so they do not invade the sacred and protected space we have created," said Bishop Castrx.
According to sources, some people laughed at the new Fauci stained glass window-- likely because they hate science.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."