U.S.—A new federal law proposed by the Biden Administration will require all police officers to call LeBron James and acquire permission before making an arrest.
"These are the sorts of checks and balances we need on our police departments," said Biden in a statement. "Listen, folks-- LeBron's a good guy. He knows a thing or two. Clean and articulate. We need to listen to LeBron. Simple as that. Call the guy. Ask him for permission. It's not that difficult! We can do this together! We're a full corn beef pipe away from a flapjack doodle-bird here!"
Proponents of the law say it's the key to achieving equity in policing. According to those drafting the bill, police will be required to count to 3-Mississippi and politely ask violent suspects to "please stop" before picking up the phone and calling America's foremost authority on police accountability, Lebron James.
LeBron has endorsed the law, but is asking police to "please text first before calling."
Opponents of the law say that it isn't needed since all the cops have decided to retire anyway.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."