U.S.—The 2020 census results are in, and while many are focused on what that means for apportionment of seats in the House of Representatives, the news has been dominated by one alarming finding: There are far too many Garys.
“No one knows what to think,” says census spokeswoman Elanor Cohen. “We’re not sure what the optimal number of Garys is -- I don’t think we even really need one -- but there are thousands and thousands of Garys. It’s frightening.”
Scientists say the current number of Garys isn’t sustainable. It is unknown what causes someone to be named Gary, but with the current situation, anytime someone turns around he is likely to run into a Gary, who will then ask to borrow a power tool, tell you about his hardwood floors, or make a joking comment about the weather -- typical Gary behavior.
“We’re just living constantly on edge,” said sociologist Horace Clarke, “because of all the Garys. And you can’t get rid of them. You can say, ‘Go away, Gary! I’m busy!’ but it doesn’t work. Gary is always there.”
In better census news, Kevins are now down to a manageable level.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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