U.S.—The 2020 census results are in, and while many are focused on what that means for apportionment of seats in the House of Representatives, the news has been dominated by one alarming finding: There are far too many Garys.
“No one knows what to think,” says census spokeswoman Elanor Cohen. “We’re not sure what the optimal number of Garys is -- I don’t think we even really need one -- but there are thousands and thousands of Garys. It’s frightening.”
Scientists say the current number of Garys isn’t sustainable. It is unknown what causes someone to be named Gary, but with the current situation, anytime someone turns around he is likely to run into a Gary, who will then ask to borrow a power tool, tell you about his hardwood floors, or make a joking comment about the weather -- typical Gary behavior.
“We’re just living constantly on edge,” said sociologist Horace Clarke, “because of all the Garys. And you can’t get rid of them. You can say, ‘Go away, Gary! I’m busy!’ but it doesn’t work. Gary is always there.”
In better census news, Kevins are now down to a manageable level.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
