ATLANTA, GA—CDC officials have released official guidelines and recommendations for activity during the pandemic. At the top of the list is a request for people to stop giving them wedgies every time they pass them on the street.
"You all need to stop this immature behavior right now!" said CDC official Mortimer Herbie Jr. as he adjusted his glasses and retainer. "Also, stop shoving us in lockers and giving us swirlies and grabbing us by our ankles and shaking us upside down until our lunch money falls out! This is NOT cool you guys!"
According to sources, the CDC is a group of nerds and dweebs who create guidelines on how to do lame things like mask-wearing and social distancing. Experts say they are so nerdy and dweeby that people just can't resist grabbing their underwear and stretching it up over their heads whenever they see them.
The CDC has warned that if this behavior doesn't stop, they will issue an official recommendation for everyone to get vaccinated again.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
