ATLANTA, GA—Another scientist has joined the consensus of experts saying we need to stop eating beef to prevent climate change. Casual observers, though, noticed that the scientist looked suspiciously like a Chick-fil-A cow wearing a lab coat.
"The science is settled," said the scientist bearing a remarkable resemblance to a Chick-fil-A cow. "This isn't an issue of beef not being delicious, because it is. This is an issue of morals. What will we -- MOO! -- ahem, excuse me -- what will we tell our grandchildren we did to fight climate change?"
"This is a worldwide MOOvement. If we don't stop eating beef, everything else we do will be a MOOt point. You can't silence me, you can't MOOt me. Let's pull together and shoot for the MOOn when it comes to fighting climate change. Anything less than fighting this thing with 100% of our resources would be an udder disgrace."
When asked for alternatives to beef, such as bugs and tofu, the scientist said that actually chicken is the best meat to eat if you want to fight climate change. The expert then passed out coupons for a free chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A, further raising eyebrows.
"Hey, wait a minute! That's just a cow in a lab coat!" cried one reporter. He was then fired, canceled, and sent to the gulag for disagreeing with SCIENCE.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
