JERUSALEM—John Kerry recently made a trip to Israel for climate talks but was delayed at the border. According to sources, Israeli forces asked him to remove his explosive vest before entering the country.
"Mr. Kerry, sir, would you mind removing that explosive suicide vest you're wearing before you enter?" said an IDF soldier.
"How DARE you, young man! I... am John Kerry," said John Kerry. "This is a mere fashion item! I, John Kerry, would never purchase explosives in Iran and attempt to sneak them into your fine country to become a martyr for the glorious nuclear world power of Iran! How dare you accuse me, John Forbes Kerry, of such a thing!"
"I didn't accuse you of that sir," the soldier allegedly replied. "Can you please just take it off? You're making everyone a little nervous."
John Kerry then called Iranian President Rouhani to tell him all about how rude the IDF soldiers were being to him.
President Biden has condemned Israel for treating John Kerry so unfairly and plans to announce sanctions.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."