WASHINGTON, D.C.—A spokesman for the FDA announced Friday that it was lifting the pause on the Johnson and Johnson COVID vaccine after the company reformulated the product into a trademarked No More Clots™ formula. Shares of the company jumped 5% after the announcement.
“We are pleased to announce that Johnson and Johnson’s new vaccine formula has passed all of the rigorous safety testing we could do in three days,” an FDA spokesman said. “Plus, it says ‘no more clots’ right there in the name! What could possibly go wrong?”
A spokeswoman for Johnson and Johnson said the company worked extensively with scientists in their baby shampoo division to make sure the new COVID vaccine was safe. “Our new No More Clots™ formula is as gentle to your platelets as pure water,” she said.
“It’s also 100% soap-free, dermatologist-tested, and hypoallergenic.”
The spokeswoman noted that the vaccine was tested extensively by the company’s herd of koala bears, which confirmed that the vaccine not only eliminates the risk of deadly blood clots, but also made their hair softer, shiner, and more manageable, all while maintaining a fresh smell.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
