WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Washington Post drew some criticism from nutty right-wingers today after calling Joe Biden "a very Catholic president who worships Satan."
"Biden is a very, very Catholic man, who just so happens to also worship Satan," a WaPo reporter wrote in the piece. "This is in direct contrast to many extremist, lunatic, fringe, right-wing bishops who oppose the practice, with many saying it might not align with traditional Catholic teaching."
The article chronicled Biden's deep Catholic faith, as he sometimes goes to Mass when priests don't ban him from participating in Holy Communion, and then goes back to the White House where he sacrifices goats to Lucifer, Prince of Darkness. According to the reporter, Biden is known for referencing Bible verses in one breath and then quoting the Necronomicon in the next -- showing that there really is no conflict between the "very Catholic" president and his other, unrelated beliefs like that Satan is the Dark Lord of Greatness and should be worshiped by all.
"This is a growing clash between the extremists and the moderate, centrist, Satan-worshiping Biden," the piece continued. "Republicans continue to pounce on Biden's very Catholic practices, such as drawing pentagrams on the Oval Office floor and summoning Lucifer to commune with him and feast on the souls of the lost."
At publishing time, a clarification had been issued that he only occasionally worships Satan, and more often is a direct disciple of Moloch.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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GALLIFREY—Reports indicate that just as the fallen Doctor was regenerating into a strong, powerful, diverse female, the 14th Doctor has instead taken the form of Doctor Jordan Peterson. What was certain to be the most stunning and brave—and not to mention the lowest-rated—season yet, has now been subverted entirely by the emergence of Doctor Peterson as the newest Time Lord.
“It’s like no—if you betray yourself, if you say untrue things, you weaken your character,” said Dr. Peterson when asked why he returned as a man. “For God sakes, you just can’t bloody well live with that kind of paradox in life, lying to yourself.”
Sources say the new Doctor wasted no time in setting his space and time traveling T.A.R.D.I.S in order, and visiting some of the worst parts and greatest villains from history. He first visited the Cybermen telling them if they actually wanted to call themselves men, then they could start by cleaning their own room.
“It isn’t obvious to me how ...
UKRAINE—As Russian troops assemble at Ukraine's border ahead of a possible land invasion, President Biden has taken swift action by deploying an elite seal team to evacuate his son Hunter's money.
"At my direction, military operatives infiltrated a bank to evacuate my son's stash of sweet, sweet Burisma cash before Russia murdered everyone. I didn't want to risk that money falling into the wrong hands," said Biden in a statement to congress. "Unfortunately, we haven't been able to evacuate Americans from the country because I put all our resources on this operation. But make no mistake, we will leave no dollar behind."
The four-man squad was dropped into ally territory by a Black Hawk helicopter outfitted for stealth missions. Once on the ground, they covertly asked for directions to the nearest bank and shared an Uber to make the 4-mile journey.
Bank security footage depicts the squad calmly entering the bank and asking for the manager. The squad then assembled in a tiny cubicle to ...
TAMPA,FL—The NFL has implemented a controversial new rule for all games that go into overtime that is certain to change football forever. Now, instead of determining the winner by who scores the most in overtime, the referee will just play ‘Eenie Meenie Miny Moe’ to determine the winner.
“Eenie Meenie Miny Moe, one of these teams has got to go!” sang the referee as he pointed at each of the teams competing for their spot in the Super Bowl. “If they holler, that’s not fair, they forfeit right then and there!”
“In the past, we would give each team a chance at offense and defense to see which team was better, but now we’ll just sing this silly children’s song instead,” explained referee James Hitchums. “Makes it a lot easier for us refs and saves us from having to make those controversial calls.”
Sources say the referee finished his song while his finger was still pointing at the Buccaneers—immediately negating all of the team's hard work and eliminating them ...
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