It can be hard to tell what your husband is actually thinking. Is he saying exactly what he thinks? Is he actually thinking about another woman? Would he still love you if you were Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street? So many questions.
Luckily, we have the answers. All but one of us Babylon Bee writers are male (they made us hire MJ for affirmative action), so we know exactly what men are thinking and can provide accurate translations. Here you go -- 10 common phrases and what men are actually thinking when they say them:
1. "It's fine." -- "It's fine."
2. "We can eat anywhere you want." -- "We can eat anywhere you want."
3. "What am I thinking about? Nothing." -- "What am I thinking about? Nothing."
4. "Huh? Oh, that's interesting." -- "The Fellowship couldn't have just taken the Eagles into Mordor. First, Eagles aren't, like, the Uber drivers of Middle Earth or something. They're majestic creatures, messengers of Valinor, and are unconcerned with the affairs of men. Second, they would easily have been spotted and taken down by the Nazgul on their flying mounts. Finally, it's very likely Frodo would have seized the Ring for himself as no mortal can resist the Ring, and he hadn't had the chance to have mercy on Gollum -- the act that ultimately saved Middle Earth."
5. "Yeah, that outfit looks great." -- "We were supposed to be at church 20 minutes ago. You do look good, but honestly, at this point, you could wear the curtains and I wouldn't care as long as we get out the door."
6. "You look nice today." -- "You look nice today."
7. "Your friend? I don't think she's pretty at all." -- "IT'S A TRAAAAAP!!!"
8. "Yeah, that's nice." -- "Oh no. She was talking to me? Did 'that's nice' make any sense at all? Please, please don't let her ask me to repeat what she said."
9. "No, it's OK, babe -- I can drive." -- "I wish to live."
10. "I love you." -- "You are the most amazing person I have ever met and honestly, I'm just in a complete state of shock every morning I wake up and you're next to me. I pinch myself every day because there's just no plausible reason a woman as incredible as you should be with an oafish manchild like me, but here you are. But it's hard for me to express my feelings in words sometimes as I'm more of a fist-bumper and high-fiver, so I'll just say 'I love you' and hope that you get the message."
See? He's deep under that rugged exterior. Now go ask him what he's thinking about! And husbands, if you ended up here by mistake, go read our guide to translating your lovely wife's facial expressions!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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