WHIPPANY, NJ—Bayer AG, the multinational pharmaceutical corporation, has announced a brand new line of trans-friendly Flintstones vitamins laced with puberty-blocking hormones. To help normalize early childhood transition, the vitamins will be on sale over the counter without restriction.
"Yes, zis seems all very ethical," said Bayer CEO Hans Von Himmler while stroking his pet cat-pig hybrid. "Ve simply give ze little girl-child ze hormones, and then ze beard grows. Ve always on ze right side of history."
Flintstones vitamins' new girl-to-boy chewables will be made of anabolic steroids with vitamins and delicious fruit flavors added in. The vitamins will be completely organic and hormone-free-- except, of course, for the synthetic hormones which are the active ingredient.
Some politicians expressed alarm at the thought of giving synthetic hormones to young children, but they quickly fell silent after Bayer threatened to pull campaign donations and business from their states.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."