ISRAEL—Biblical scholars have uncovered an ancient parchment that appears to contain a portion of Father Abraham’s daily diary. The journal indicates that like modern fathers, a large portion of Abraham’s day was spent snuffing out oil lamps that his children had left burning in empty tents.
The Bee has obtained a translation of this important historical document:
Tishri 8: Got the lamp oil bill today. 30 shekels, almost twice as much as last month. Spent most of my day wandering around and snuffing out oil lamps in empty tents. Definitely didn’t think about the lighting bill when God told me my descendants would be as numerous as the stars.
Tishri 9: Kids left the lamps burning again. How hard is it to remember? Last one out of the tent snuffs out the lamp. May have to call a tribe meeting to discuss.
Tishri 10: More lamps left burning. Someone actually left a burning lamp hidden under a bushel. Could hardly see any of the light shining. Seriously, who does that? Tribe meeting tomorrow.
Tishri 11: Lost my temper at the tribe meeting. Told the kids, “When you become the patriarch and start paying the lamp oil bill, you can do what you want. But while you’re living under my tents, you live under my rules!”
Tishri 14: Another 5 lamps left burning today. My soul is weary. At 175, I’m getting too old for this. I’m ready to breathe my last.
Scholars now believe this is in fact what killed Father Abraham in the end.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
