ISRAEL—Biblical scholars have uncovered an ancient parchment that appears to contain a portion of Father Abraham’s daily diary. The journal indicates that like modern fathers, a large portion of Abraham’s day was spent snuffing out oil lamps that his children had left burning in empty tents.
The Bee has obtained a translation of this important historical document:
Tishri 8: Got the lamp oil bill today. 30 shekels, almost twice as much as last month. Spent most of my day wandering around and snuffing out oil lamps in empty tents. Definitely didn’t think about the lighting bill when God told me my descendants would be as numerous as the stars.
Tishri 9: Kids left the lamps burning again. How hard is it to remember? Last one out of the tent snuffs out the lamp. May have to call a tribe meeting to discuss.
Tishri 10: More lamps left burning. Someone actually left a burning lamp hidden under a bushel. Could hardly see any of the light shining. Seriously, who does that? Tribe meeting tomorrow.
Tishri 11: Lost my temper at the tribe meeting. Told the kids, “When you become the patriarch and start paying the lamp oil bill, you can do what you want. But while you’re living under my tents, you live under my rules!”
Tishri 14: Another 5 lamps left burning today. My soul is weary. At 175, I’m getting too old for this. I’m ready to breathe my last.
Scholars now believe this is in fact what killed Father Abraham in the end.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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