WASHINGTON, D.C.—Biden has announced he will finally relocate the 20,000 National Guard troops who have been stationed in D.C. since January. Their new mission will be to infiltrate America's inner cities and shoot menthol cigarettes out of the mouths of unsuspecting smokers.
"Listen, folks-- we gotta do something about these incredibly refreshing and smooth menthol cigarettes," said Biden. "The poor kids like 'em way more than white kids do. Like my Great-Aunt Millie used to say: 'If you don't like menthols, you ain't black!' We have to protect black health. Gotta do it."
Sharpshooters from the Guard will be sent to urban centers like Chicago, Baltimore, and New York, and posted outside carry-outs and gas stations.
"If you so much as raise a menthol to your lips, our trained soldiers will take care of it with their sniper rifles!" said Biden, who went on to say: "Gotta put one, put one on the train and watch it go around. It can't. It can't go around 'cause the pudding is too runny for the Chamber of Commerce to fix the crankshaft... anyway... gotta get rid of the black people cigarettes, folks."
Soldiers will also be trained in advanced take-down techniques to subdue any menthol offenders. BLM and the ACLU have applauded the move and have welcomed increased enforcement of their cities as long as it's not done by the local police.
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