ORLANDO, FL—A local street curb on Baxter Avenue has come forward to accuse a woman of multiple vehicular assaults. According to sworn testimony, the curb endured unwelcome scuffing from tires and aluminum wheels over the course of several months.
"We are proud of this brave little cement curb for coming forward," said Police Chief Orlando Rolón. "We need to do better in educating our daughters how to parallel park and put proper distance between their car wheels and the curb, for gosh sakes. Yellow paint means, 'stay away!' We will redouble our efforts to prevent this from ever happening again."
The entire press conference then burst into sexist laughter about how bad woman drivers are at parallel parking.
Sources say the alleged attacker will be using the "I'm just a girl" defense-- which is a valid defense in the state of Florida.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
