TOWNSVILLEBURG, U.S.—Speaking before a group of loyal supporters who seriously believe an individual politician can really make a difference for their small town, a newly elected representative pledged that he would spend every minute fighting to get reelected.
Voice wavering, the candidate vowed, “I will be your mouthpiece, shaking the halls of Congress, boldly fighting for your most cherished ideal, which is that I continue to stay in office for years to come.” Raising a hand to calm the uproarious applause, he continued, “Trust me, no one knows the difficulties you face as a community in reelecting me more than I do, and that’s why I’m the man for the job.”
Speaking on condition of anonymity after the rally, local man Victor Bulberson-- who lives in the rusted-out AMC rambler behind the local post office-- said, “You bet I’m voting for him. I feel he really understands what we value around here. He really gets us.”
Political analysts commended the candidate’s courage to take on such an uphill battle for his constituents. They raised concerns, however, that such a pledge may not differentiate the candidate from his opponent, who made the exact same promise to an equally gullible flock of supporters the previous day.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."