CHICAGO, IL—According to sources, local man Reiley Voodles recently received his second dose of the Moderna vaccine. After a tearful celebration and many vaccine selfies, Voodles treated himself by licking his very first doorknob in over a year.
"It's... been so long," said Voodles as he wiped a tear from his eye. "I had almost forgotten the wonderful taste of that cold-- and sometimes warm-- metal on my tongue. So many doorknobs have gone unlicked. All those wasted months! Now, finally those days are behind me. I'm feeling so emotional right now."
Voodles then licked the door handle of a recently used gas station bathroom to really give his new vaccine a good workout. "I like to live on the edge," he said.
The CDC has announced that vaccinated individuals can indeed resume their normal recreational activities, such as:
licking doorknobs
eating gum off the sidewalk
shaking hands in the restroom
smelling belly button lint
putting your cell phone up to your face immediately after using it on the toilet
church greeting time
The CDC clarified, however, that all these activities must be done while wearing a mask.
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