CHICAGO, IL—According to sources, local man Reiley Voodles recently received his second dose of the Moderna vaccine. After a tearful celebration and many vaccine selfies, Voodles treated himself by licking his very first doorknob in over a year.
"It's... been so long," said Voodles as he wiped a tear from his eye. "I had almost forgotten the wonderful taste of that cold-- and sometimes warm-- metal on my tongue. So many doorknobs have gone unlicked. All those wasted months! Now, finally those days are behind me. I'm feeling so emotional right now."
Voodles then licked the door handle of a recently used gas station bathroom to really give his new vaccine a good workout. "I like to live on the edge," he said.
The CDC has announced that vaccinated individuals can indeed resume their normal recreational activities, such as:
licking doorknobs
eating gum off the sidewalk
shaking hands in the restroom
smelling belly button lint
putting your cell phone up to your face immediately after using it on the toilet
church greeting time
The CDC clarified, however, that all these activities must be done while wearing a mask.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
