Masks have been the greatest way for us to distinguish between morally superior people and all the evil selfish people. But how will the world know what a good person you are when masks are no longer required? Don't worry fam-- we here at The Babylon Bee are morality experts. We got you.
Here are 10 easy ways to keep feeling morally superior once the pandemic is over:
Never stop wearing a mask as long as you live: This is probably the simplest solution. Wear your mask forever. Breathe in that sweet, sweet, moral superiority and CO2.
Start a podcast about your time wearing a mask: Bring in co-hosts who also wore masks, and talk about how you wore masks. As a bonus, do it while wearing a mask.
Get a tattoo of your mask on your face: There's no better way of reminding everyone how important masks used to be and how important you were for wearing one.
Start an HOA in your suburban neighborhood: Oh-- you already started one? Of course you did!
Declare a climate emergency and switch to an all-bug diet: Bugs are the most morally superior thing to eat. Also, be rich and drive an electric car. Shame all people who do not do the same.
Punch a white male in the face every day: If you're not already doing this, what the heck is wrong with you? Go punch a white male in his dumb white face!
Travel only by train for the rest of your life: Trains are more moral than cars. Don't ask us why. We're actually not sure why but we're looking into it. If you don't have a train nearby due to living in a racist Republican area, just ride a bike instead.
Drone strike a Middle-Eastern country: Obama, the Child of Light and Son of Hope did this often. Follow in the footsteps of Barack.
Become a Christian: Religious people are known for how morally superior they believe themselves to be. You'll fit right in!
Become an atheist: If there's anyone even more morally superior than a Christian, it's an atheist!
There you have it! You can't go wrong with this list! You are a good person just for reading it. Go and show the world how much better you are than them!
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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