WASHINGTON, D.C—In a recent statement to the nation, President Joe Biden announced that if we can come together and reach our vaccination goal, he’s willing to ease restrictions.
“With enough vaccinations, I’m prepared to authorize the use of sparklers for the American public on the 4th of July,” announced President Biden. “I am a generous President and I shall bestow this gift upon my people for their compliance.”
At once the people cheered and danced with joy upon hearing of their promised new freedom. “This is so exciting! I’ve been good and haven’t left my house or even removed my mask a single time in over a year,” said local man Paxton Myers. “I thought they wouldn't even let us have the 4th of July this year, much less use sparklers! I can’t wait to celebrate with my family over Zoom!”
Reports have indicated that far-right extremists are planning on lighting every firework that they own without President Biden’s approval. They claim that they are celebrating noble ideas like ‘freedom’, and ‘independence from a tyrannical government’, but experts explain that those are just codes for hate and oppression.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
UFO Files Reveal Aliens Here And Already Defrauded Minnesota For $20 Billion
"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
Democrat Effort To Retake Congress Once Again Thwarted By Existence Of Laws
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
Virginia Considering New Measure That Just Makes It Illegal For Republicans To Vote
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."
