WASHINGTON, D.C—In a recent statement to the nation, President Joe Biden announced that if we can come together and reach our vaccination goal, he’s willing to ease restrictions.
“With enough vaccinations, I’m prepared to authorize the use of sparklers for the American public on the 4th of July,” announced President Biden. “I am a generous President and I shall bestow this gift upon my people for their compliance.”
At once the people cheered and danced with joy upon hearing of their promised new freedom. “This is so exciting! I’ve been good and haven’t left my house or even removed my mask a single time in over a year,” said local man Paxton Myers. “I thought they wouldn't even let us have the 4th of July this year, much less use sparklers! I can’t wait to celebrate with my family over Zoom!”
Reports have indicated that far-right extremists are planning on lighting every firework that they own without President Biden’s approval. They claim that they are celebrating noble ideas like ‘freedom’, and ‘independence from a tyrannical government’, but experts explain that those are just codes for hate and oppression.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person
"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
Congress Warns Trump's Attempts To End War In Ukraine Could Result In End Of War In Ukraine
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."
