CORUSCANT—100 days after Chancellor Palpatine survived an attack that left him scarred and deformed, yet with a stronger resolve to form a new empire, many are wondering if galactic citizens feel more unified than they did before. In response, a new ABC News poll revealed that 23% percent of the Galaxy believes they are more unified since Palpatine became Emperor.
"Wow, 23%! That's a great number! Way more than 22%!" said an ABC reporter. "Not only that, but an overwhelming 87% of that 23% give Palpatine credit for our great unity! Good job, Emperor Palpatine!"
“Emperor Palpatine has brought order and stability to a galaxy at war with itself,” said Grand Moff Tarkin. “Now as this poll so clearly indicates, we have all been unified by Palpatine’s leadership. All can rest easy with Stormtroopers on every street and Star Destroyers flying above.”
Some galactic citizens brought up the fact that the poll showed 28% of the galaxy thinks they are less unified since Palpatine took office, which is more than 23%. Also, an overwhelming 48% thought nothing had changed. Those citizens were then sent to the spice mines of Kessel.
"That doesn't matter, because an overwhelming majority of those people are racist nerf herders who live on Alderaan anyway," said ABC. "Our Emperor assures us they will be dealt with."
ABC is now investigating baseless conspiracy theories being spread on social media that the Emperor's right-hand man killed younglings at the Jedi Temple.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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