DALLAS, TX—America's evangelicals are diligently searching the scriptures to find out when Trump will return to claim his rightful throne as America's president. According to sources, local man Buzz Campbell is flipping through the book of Revelation for new clues as to Trump's return.
"It's gotta be in here somewhere!" said Campbell said as he frantically flipped through the pages. "Maybe Trump is one of the four living creatures? Or maybe he's the 7-headed beast that comes out of the ocean? That would be epic."
According to America's Evangelical prophets, Trump is just laying low as the wrath of Biden and his commie hoards are unleashed upon the earth. After the appointed time, Trump will return to claim his throne and clean up all the corruption, human trafficking, and fake news so Jesus can come back.
"We must be patient," said First Baptist Pastor Robert Jeffress. "The earth is groaning under the oppression of the Democrats-- with their pronouns and their hatred for the 2nd Amendment. But I assure you-- Trump will return and wipe away every tear."
"Maybe it will even happen today!" Jeffress continued.
Reporters reached out to Trump for comment but were unable to reach him since he was enjoying the beautiful weather on his golf course.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
If you value The Babylon Bee and want to bypass the fact checkers who seek to have us deplatformed, please consider becoming a supporter so you can enjoy fake news you can trust.