DALLAS, TX—America's evangelicals are diligently searching the scriptures to find out when Trump will return to claim his rightful throne as America's president. According to sources, local man Buzz Campbell is flipping through the book of Revelation for new clues as to Trump's return.
"It's gotta be in here somewhere!" said Campbell said as he frantically flipped through the pages. "Maybe Trump is one of the four living creatures? Or maybe he's the 7-headed beast that comes out of the ocean? That would be epic."
According to America's Evangelical prophets, Trump is just laying low as the wrath of Biden and his commie hoards are unleashed upon the earth. After the appointed time, Trump will return to claim his throne and clean up all the corruption, human trafficking, and fake news so Jesus can come back.
"We must be patient," said First Baptist Pastor Robert Jeffress. "The earth is groaning under the oppression of the Democrats-- with their pronouns and their hatred for the 2nd Amendment. But I assure you-- Trump will return and wipe away every tear."
"Maybe it will even happen today!" Jeffress continued.
Reporters reached out to Trump for comment but were unable to reach him since he was enjoying the beautiful weather on his golf course.
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"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."
"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."
"If Trump ends the war in Ukraine, then the war in Ukraine will stop," warned House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Trump is clearly not thinking about all the terrible things that will happen to us if the war in Ukraine ends."