WASHINGTON, D.C.—Baptists from around the country have left their hometowns to raise their families in Washington D.C. where Mayor Bowser has made dancing illegal.
"We are so grateful to finally live in an area that supports our beliefs," said Baptist Deacon Dale Geisler. "We always thought D.C. was a swamp of evil and corruption, but it appears there has been a glorious spiritual revival with this new ban on dancing."
D.C. was on edge this week as thousands of 15-passenger vans filled with homeschoolers rolled through the district. "We don't want their kind here," said one politician anonymously. "They'll bring their casseroles and their jean skirts and totally ruin the vibe around here."
Mayor Bowser was later forced to clarify that the dancing ban was a temporary measure to prevent COVID-- as well as all fun, human connection, and joy-- but it was too late as over 20,000 Baptist families had already taken up residence in neighborhoods and tent cities throughout the area. Baptists have expressed their plans to make D.C.'s ban on fun and dancing permanent.
D.C. authorities are considering plans to relocate all the Baptist families before they start having tent meetings and baptizing everyone.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."