TULSA, OK—Shortly after tying the knot, local husband Kevin Bachman went on a spree of “executive orders” for his wife, and the fallout is showing up in his 100-day poll numbers.
“Kevin always said before we got married that he wanted us to decide things together, to compromise,” reported Ashley, Kevin’s wife. “All that changed the day we got married. Where we can travel, climate control in the car, what we will go into six million dollars of credit card debt for-- he chooses everything!"
Ashley also cited Kevin's refusal to ever take questions, his random accusations of racism, and an apparent willingness to do whatever his mom, Kamal A. Bachman, tells him to do.
Surprisingly, pundits were still quite bullish on Kevin’s performance. “Kevin needed to take bold action to set a new path for his family, and I think deep down Ashley really loves what he’s doing," said Kevin's lifelong friend Sienna. "A couple needs unity, and that means doing what Kevin says. I just hope she understands that,” said Sienna, barely loud enough for Ashley to hear in the other room.
Ashley talked to Kevin about seeing a counselor who could serve as an impartial third party, but Kevin threatened to pack the room with four more counselors who promised to take his side.
Asked about her forecast for the next 100 days, Ashley replied, “I do think the ‘Executive Order’ thing will settle down, at least I’m praying it will. I think some of it was just an overreaction to the fact that I had a very strong father figure in my life. I think Kevin just felt like he needed to measure up to Donald.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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