HAMPTON FALLS, IA—White liberals gathered in the town of Hampton Falls were shocked and astonished as local black man, accountant, and father of three Michael Sparkton walked right into a DOT office and acquired an ID without any assitance from liberals whatsoever.
"It was amazing -- he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all," said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. "He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. You know."
Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, "because he's black and I don't think he's capable of doing it!"
At publishing time, the liberals amazed to see he had walked up to a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water all by himself.
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."