WASHINGTON, D.C.—America's Hispanic population was treated to a very special speech today, in which First Lady Dr. Jill Biden wished all the Latinx people a happy "Cincway du Marco."
"Hola fellow Latinx!" said Dr. Jill Biden as she donned an authentic Mexican sombrero and shook a maraca. "We honor your intersectional brown bodies today! Si se puahdwe! Have a muy bueno Cincway du Marco! Yay!"
The socially distanced crowd of color then stood to their feet in rapturous applause, proud to be honored by a real live doctor.
After the speech, Dr. Jill Biden will treat detained migrants to a very special Zoom call in which she will wish them a happy holiday. She will then authorize one extra bowl of gruel for each detainee in honor of the very special day. She has also directed ICE agents to dress as Mexican vaqueros so everyone feels more at home.
Kamala Harris also announced she will finally be visiting the border as well, but sources reported she'll only be there to pick out a new cleaning lady.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."