LANGLEY, VA—The Central Intelligence Agency has already seen results of its new intersectional hiring campaign. The Agency’s recent recruits have announced they’ve broken up an ISIS plot to refer to people by incorrect pronouns.
“That’s literal violence,” explained CIA Agent MaKenna Wallace, a recent Gen Z hire with a degree in women’s studies. “I’m shaking right now just thinking of it.”
The CIA jumped into action, though, and got those ISIS members kicked off Twitter. “They’re not going to hurt anyone now,” MaKenna added. “I mean, they could be on Parler, but I’m not going to get an account there to check that out. Ew.”
The incorrect pronoun plot got the agency really worked up, and they’ve temporarily shut down to give everyone there a chance to rebalance, which is why they have yet to look into all those bombs that just went off in Europe. They may have to leave that to others, though, as they’ve reportedly obtained intel that terrorists are plotting to obtain deadnames, which MaKenna described as “as bad as a dirty bomb times a million.”
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."