NEW YORK, NY—Just as suddenly as the New York City school board announced they would celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day instead of Columbus Day, the school board has now announced they are rescinding that change. This was because, after further research, they found out that the natives Christopher Columbus slaughtered only believed in two genders.
“We originally ended Columbus Day because we don’t want to celebrate murderous colonization,” said school board member and progressive activist Amber Gregory, “but as we looked into it more, we realized it’s not so black and white. It turns out that the people Columbus killed and enslaved were really narrow-minded. They kind of deserved it.”
Not only did research show that the indigenous peoples only believed in two genders, but there was also no indication that they allowed gay marriage or had any sort of formal anti-racism training. “I’m just going to say it,” added Gregory. “These people were subhuman. I don’t want to be seen as an ally to people like them.”
What happened with the New York City school board is somewhat similar to what happened in Berkeley, California, when they, due to a typo, accidentally replaced Columbus Day with "Igneous Peoples’ Day" and nearly undid this change before everyone decided celebrating a bunch of lava monsters would be cool.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Biden prepares to nominate a woman of color to the Supreme Court, he took the time to remind the country that black Justices can be just as smart as rich ones.
"Listen, folks, black Justices can be just as smart, articulate, and clean as the rich ones," said Biden to reporters. "Just because they mostly stock the spaghetti sauce on the shelves in the ladies department of the department store and hang out with bad dudes like Corn Pop doesn't mean they can be judges too! Come on folks! This ain't complicated! If I haven't nominated you for SCOTUS, then you ain't black!"
Biden went on to say that he will choose a SCOTUS Justice based on qualifications, as long as those qualifications belong to someone with very dark skin and a female body.
"Mixed race judges don't qualify," said Biden, insisting they "aren't black enough."
It is so far unclear whether Biden will also nominate black men who identify as women, or whether he knows what a SCOTUS Justice is or even ...
HOLLYWOOD, CA—Beloved Hollywood starlet Peter Dinklage pushed back against Disney’s live-action remake of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but his efforts seem to have come up short.
“I feel cut off at the legs,” said the Game of Thrones star after hearing Disney’s low decision to keep dwarves in a movie about dwarves. “I expected at least a teeny-weeny concession from Disney; I feel overlooked.”
“Our attempts at inclusion were far from minuscule,” said Disney Chief Inclusion Officer, Lilly Putte. “We consulted with underrepresented communities through every teensy, minute detail, no matter how tiny. To hear Mr. Dinklage get on his soapbox and accuse us of a pint-sized effort, well it feels a wee bit stunted.”
Dinklage, who achieved stardom with a diminutive role in the movie “Elf,” as a man mistaken for an elf, admitted he feels in over his head a little when overshadowed by greedy movie executives.
His experience may be proof that universal inclusion in ...
PORTLAND, OR—Local atheist Marcus Blaine has been wavering in his atheism recently, wondering why good things happen at all. Marcus has found himself asking why he has it so good in what should be a cold, meaningless world that doesn't care whether he suffers or not.
“How could there be no God if so many good things keep happening?” asked Marcus Blaine. “Oh, Science forgive me as I wrestle and doubt. Forgive me for seeing beauty and wonder in a world as if it were designed by a Creator!”
Sources say that Marcus often says that he’s just a random collection of atoms and chemical reactions—that he’s just ‘dancing to his DNA’—but recently he just can’t seem to shake the idea that there’s more to his existence.
“What if it’s all a lie? What if atheism is just made up to make people feel smart and have a false sense of superiority?” Marcus cried out. “I mean obviously we’re just here by random chance, with no benevolent Being watching over us. But then ...
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