DETROIT, MI—According to a tragic report, local mother Lyn Smith has given birth to a precious brand-new human life, completely missing out on having her soul crushed every day in her corporate career. Mr. Smith has picked up extra hours at his job so she can stay home with her baby.
Sources say Mrs. Smith has given life to a gorgeous baby boy who has filled her life with transcendent love and meaning, unlike anything she has ever experienced.
Unfortunately, this has caused her to miss out on the coveted "Salesperson of the Fiscal Quarter" award at her former employer Omnicorp. She has also missed out on 1823 hours of overtime, 372 Zoom meetings, 12 unwanted advances from male co-workers, and all the respect of feminists familiar with the situation.
"Just look at her over there, rolling on the floor with that sweet, pudgy little baby," said her former co-worker Sandra as she took her cats out to brunch. "Disgusting. Just a baby factory for her husband. Too bad she'll never match my achievements in life!" she said as she held up her coveted "Most Improved Office Assistant of the Fiscal Quarter" award.
We reached out to Mrs. Smith for comment, but she was too busy laughing and tickling her 1-year-old bundle of joy to pay any attention.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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