U.S.—Now that the country has celebrated bleeding birthing people of all genders on Birthing Person's Day, families are gearing up for Lawnmowing Person's Day.
"Ah, I love lawnmowing person's day," said Dale Polski, a local family lawnmowing person who identifies as male. "It's a great day to put some meat on the grill, open this year's pair of new socks, and enjoy a nap."
Some have made a point to remind everyone that not all lawnmowing people identify as male. "Some lawnmowers are female," said Amy Brown, a lawnmowing person from next door who identifies as female. "I mow the lawn every week, so this day is for people like me too!" she said proudly.
Several teens have also come forward demanding to be celebrated on Lawnmowing Person's Day, stating that they identify as lawnmowers even though they still aren't strong enough to start a push mower.
According to sources, there are some who still celebrate something called "Father's Day," although it's unclear what that means since nothing means anything anymore.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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"They're here among us," alien specialist Donny Marcus told the press. "I've been studying these beings for years — they're smart, and they're resourceful. It took no time at all for them to defraud Tim Walz's government of billions through Medicare and Medicaid fraud. The government didn't even ask why they needed the money; they just forked it over. The invasion people have been anticipating has been happening right under our noses all along."
"The Democratic Party would be winning in a landslide if it weren't for that confounded Constitution," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We have so many great ideas on how to win, but people keep saying things like 'Hey, that's illegal' or 'That's literally a crime.' It's becoming disheartening."
"This is way easier," said Democratic Governor Abigail Spanberger. "We're tackling the real issue, which is Republicans being allowed to vote at all. There will be no more campaigning, no more counting ballots. That stuff is such a hassle anyway."