U.S.—Everyone agrees that President Joe Biden has been a relentless and unstoppable force in his first 100 days in office, exuding the youth and vigor of men half his age, but reporters from CNN are pointing out that Joe Biden really hammered employment as the unemployment figures were released today by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.
”Employment” is a term used in official statistics to denote what is better known today as wage slavery, a holdover arrangement first started in an economic system known as capitalism, in which one person is literally forced at gunpoint into working for another person, rather than just staying at home and getting money from the government.
“Experts agree that it is a cruel practice that is on its way out in the history of ideas,” said Don Lemon on his CNN program. “Joe Biden is efficiently keeping his progressive agenda in just a short amount of time by delivering this big blow against employment, thus freeing thousands of Americans.”
“He has been busy and laser focused on his agenda of keeping his promises to the American people,” beamed a joyful Brian Stelter on his program Reliable Sources.”These statistics we are reporting to you now bear that out! Dow Jones estimates expected 1 million new jobs and unemployment to drop to 5.8% in this report, and Joe Biden did the exact opposite of that,” continued Stelter. “Unemployment actually rose to 6.1%. Can you imagine anyone else pulling that off?”
Progressive activists celebrated the news of rising unemployment as that means that more and more Americans are being freed from the drudgery of providing services to greedy business owners in exchange for money.
At publishing time, CNN was praising Joe Biden again for causing the sun to rise this morning.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
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PHILADELPHIA—Researchers with Independence National Historic Park have located an ancient document they say renders all national mandates and restrictions void. The document, dating to 1776, is being referred to as ‘The Declaration of Independence’ by park historians who allege it details the existence of unalienable rights and that governments derive their power from the consent of the governed. Sources indicate the document was found in the park archives, allegedly buried under a stack of Benjamin Franklin’s raunchy poems.
“We don’t usually go near those,” said historian Clay Garrett regarding Franklin’s forbidden writings. “I was definitely not reading them when I found the crumpled-up parchment that later turned out to be our nation’s Declaration of Independence."
Garrett continued, “The fascinating thing about this document is that it says King George III was a tyrant who did a bunch of things President Biden is doing right now. So I’m not really sure what to ...
SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In response to record levels of unprosecuted shoplifting, Walgreens stores in San Francisco have introduced a new "Frequent Looter Rewards Card."
"If you can't beat 'em, I guess all you can do is join 'em," said Sandra Lopez, regional manager in charge of 8 locations in the Bay Area. "We don't even have regular shoppers anymore—just looters."
The new punch cards will help looters keep track of their visits and allow store owners to better track their shrink levels so they can more easily make insurance claims.
"Yes, I realize this makes no sense. Some might even call it insane," said Lopez, "but nothing makes sense here in San Francisco. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here anymore. The only reason I even still live here is that there are no more U-Hauls available."
San Francisco's DA has confirmed that looters who visit a Walgreens 10 times will be awarded a free pack of cigarettes and a mail-in voter registration.
U.S.—Americans are reacting to newly unearthed statements Biden made during his presidential campaign, in which he claimed that Corn Pop's death was more impactful for the cause of justice than MLK's.
"Listen folks, no joke. I ain't kiddin' around here. For real. I know what I'm talking about. Listen carefully. I'll say this once. No joke," Biden began. "As I stood over the body of the infamous gangster Corn Pop after wrapping a chain around his head, I knew his death would have a much greater far-reaching impact than even the death of MLK. Corn Pop was a bad dude, but his death launched my path to the presidency. If I hadn't become president, the blacks would be back in chains. And a bunch of other blacks would be white due to voting for Trump. He died for a good cause!"
Civil rights leaders have tried to distance themselves from Biden in light of his remarks, at least until his remarks are no longer a part of the news cycle, at which point they will no longer distance themselves....
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