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White House Reminds Nation That Permission Slips To Eat A Hot Dog On The 4th Of July Are Due By Friday

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki reminded Americans that they must turn in their permission slips for eating a delicious grilled July 4th hot dog by this Friday.

"We know you people enjoy your hot dogs, but it is the top priority of this administration that you enjoy this food safely," said Psaki cheerfully. "With the COVID risks involved in gathering around the grill and the choking risks of eating processed meat, we ask that you please get a slip signed by your mommy, daddy, or local magistrate before partaking."

Those who fail to turn in their hot dog slips will be allowed to apply for a 1-week extension after paying a small fine. Any citizens caught consuming hotdogs on Independence Day without approval will be detained by authorities until the fireworks are over and there's only cold potato salad left.

Dr. Fauci later clarified that even though permission slips are being issued, eating hotdogs is "probably a bad idea" and you shouldn't do it.

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https://legiscan.com/IL/bill/SB3977/2025

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Barron Tries To Blend In On Campus By Putting His Knees In His Shoes And Walking Around Like A Normal-Height Person

"I just want to be treated like any other 7-foot son of a billionaire president," said Barron to reporters. "Everywhere I go, I hear: 'Who is that giant person?' or 'Hey look! It's the heir to the throne of the American Empire, may he live forever!' or 'REEEEEEEEE!' It's really exhausting."

https://babylonbee.com/news/barron-tries-to-blend-in-on-campus-by-putting-his-knees-in-his-shoes-and-walking-around-like-a-normal-height-person

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Healthy Vegan Food Carefully Constructed In Laboratory Using 957 Chemicals

"You have got to get rid of all the bad stuff, like the meat and the animal products," said lab technician Luka Ranier, pouring a beaker of methylphenylketone into a bubbling broth of 2,2-dimethylpropyl benzoyletate as part of the standard process of making a meatless burger. "We manage to get our job done here with just 957 simple compounds that have been optimized for human health and consumption."

https://babylonbee.com/news/healthy-vegan-food-carefully-constructed-in-laboratory-using-957-chemicals

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