JACKSONVILLE, FL—The NFL has announced that Tim Tebow and Colin Kaepernick will now compete in an epic kneel-off for a spot on an NFL team. This weekend, the two legendary players will meet at the 50-yard-line of the Jacksonville Jaguars stadium to see who can kneel the longest.
"These are by far the two most talented kneelers the NFL has ever seen," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Whoever lasts the longest will be allowed a tight-end position on the team!"
Reporters caught up with Tebow, who is preparing mentally and physically for the showdown. "I think I'll just pray to my heavenly father and recite the gospels to myself," he said. "That will keep me going! I'll also think about my gorgeous supermodel wife and loving family. Wow! I'm so blessed!" said Tebow with a heavenly glimmer in his eye.
Colin Kaepernick, on the other hand, will be chanting incantations to various indigenous gods and offering up burnt offerings to Mother Gaia to give him the strength to defeat the white colonizer once and for all. He will be flanked by an army of witches who will attempt to cast spells on Tebow and throw him off balance.
"It should be a great contest!" said Goodell.
Kyle and Ethan talk to Dave Rubin about identifying as a conservative, California, and Christianity. Dave has written a new book titled Don’t Burn This Book available wherever you find books
The 🐝 Podcast is also available on all podcast platforms.
SAN FRANCISCO—A cashier working the closing shift at a small mom-and-pop store on Sutter St. was left shocked and bewildered when a customer tried to pay for her items.
Store security footage reveals the customer roamed the store calmly while looters plucked most shelves dry. She picked up a few trinkets before heading to the register.
"I wasn't really paying attention," said the cashier, Brian Risico. "We get lots of looters, but I don't think I've ever seen a paying customer. No one taught me how to use the register."
"Then this chick comes up," he continued. "She's– I don't know. Normal? She placed some products on the counter and asked for the damage. I thought she was going to hurt me, but it turned out she wanted to know how much money she should give me."
Risico stared blankly at the woman for a minute before panicking and fleeing in terror. The unnamed customer then placed a twenty on the counter and left. The twenty-dollar bill was promptly stolen.
According to ...
U.S.—As part of a bold new marketing strategy to promote inclusivity and appeal to less than 1% of the population, Mars, Incorporated has introduced a new M&M character who identifies as a Skittle.
"I'm gonna be honest here. We basically are doing this because it's hip and makes us look cool," said Mars, Incorporated CEO Franklin Crunchy. "And that adds to the bottom line. I think we can make a decent fortune by comparing the hardship of real trans people to a wacky cartoon character."
"Trans people deserve to be represented by M&Ms," he continued. "Our Trans-Skittle character will help us break chocolate-covered barriers in your mouth and not in your hands."
The new character, named Quinn, is an M&M that wears an "S" because they haven't had letter reassignment surgery yet. On the inside, Quinn has the same chocolate taste because it isn't able to change anything but its outward appearance.
"We just want to let the trans community know that M&M supports you and wants your money!"...
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